Castle of Dragon (NES)

Yes, I'll be the first to admit that it seems a bit odd to review video games from over twenty years ago on a console you A) might not have owned or B) have stuffed somewhere in the loft. However, there is the off-chance games like this might appear on the Virtual Console. Also, I like to exercise my writing & journalism muscles. Without further adieu, allow me to present my first NES game review for Castle of Dragon...

… Or Dragon of Castle, I really couldn’t care less. If the truly inspired title of this game wasn’t a clear indicator, Castle of Dragon (I’m sorry, I can’t read that title without snickering derisively) is your run-of-the-mill medieval side-scrolling hack ‘n’ slash game, because apparently the NES didn’t have enough of them. Appropriately enough, the game begins with a short cut-scene of (GASP!) a Dragon flying into a Castle, kidnapping some girl in a white dress. I’d make a wisecrack along the lines of “Hmm, where have I seen THAT before?”, but given that this is the first of many, MANY clichés in this game, it isn’t really worth it.
So you play as… Some guy, who goes after the dragon because… Oh, who gives a crap? Anyway, your Link/Simon Belmont stand-in has the three fundamental moves: jump, use sword, use shield (by ducking). All well and good, except for a couple of flaws -

1 - Your shield is only big enough to block your head, leaving you open to attacks below it, and since some enemy attacks can damage your entire body anyway it makes attempting to block attacks with the shield completely bloody pointless.
2 - While you can swing your sword while ducking, this leaves you open to attacks. OK, the same applies to Zelda II, but there wasn’t such a long delay in that game. Also, your sword is EXACTLY the same length as the swords of some of the enemy characters, meaning that whenever you take a swing at them they’ll inevitably swing at the same time so you take damage if you attack.
3 - You know how in many (particularly older) video games, whenever your character takes damage they start flashing and are invincible for a second or so to give you a chance to get out of harm’s way? Well “Castle of Dragon” is above such cowardly tactics. If you’re being damaged by an enemy walking into you, you stand there and take it like a MAN! Of course, this quickly saps away your health, so your only plausible option is to jump over the enemy’s head and run away like a baby.

… And yes, these three “game-play elements” combine to torment you further.
Let’s talk about the enemies, since I’m sure you’ll want to hear about how you fight skeletons (who miraculously anticipate whenever you‘re about to swing your sword)! And bats (which look EXACTLY like Zubats but are much easier to avoid)! And vague, zombie-things (who exploit your character‘s stupid health-bar by walking into you)! And fireballs (which like the bats you can duck under, making them entirely and arbitrarily pointless)! And what I assume are ghost-knights (who disappear whenever you take a swing at them)! With all this information I’ve provided, I’m sure you’ll be glad to know that whenever these enemies appear, you can‘t progress in the level until they‘re defeated. And your reward for fending off such memorable faceless mooks? The screen flashes and you get to hear the rumbling of 8-bit thunder. Yay!
Apart from your sword, you get a vast array of useful upgrades. By vast, I mean two. And by useful, I mean completely worthless. The first upgrade is an energy wave that fires from your sword; I‘ll give the game credit for being consistent with the Zelda rip-offs. However, you have extremely limited usage of what would‘ve been a convenient upgrade, since it runs out after the three or four times you inevitably have to use your sword, or it completely disappears after one of the 8-bit lightning strikes. You also get a suit of armour but it‘s removed after you take a certain amount of damage. I’m not sure if this was made before or after Ghouls and Ghosts, but Capcom’s game pissed me off to a much lesser extent. Oh, there’s also a fairy that replenishes health!
I guess you’ll want to know about the end-of-level bosses. I had to put up with them and so do you. Unforgettable bosses such as the Cyclops or Skeletor-rip-off-in-a-red-robe. Bosses who fire several red balls at you (presumably some arcane dark arts spell) that you can’t avoid because they spread out, or block thanks to your utterly useless shield. There is one way to dodge this annoying spell (apart from switching off this piece of crap); if you’re close enough to the boss you can leap over their spell, but the Skelator-replica boss keeps moving around like a twat and the Cyclops sprites is too tall to leap over without taking damage.

Final Verdict?
If you took Zelda II, combined it with Castlevania and removed every single aspect of them that made them such endearing and entertaining video games, you wouldn’t even begin to match the blandness of “Castle of Dragon”. The levels manage the impossible by begin incredible short AND boring, not to mention the enemies who despite being annoyingly difficult to fight are about as bland as beige wallpaper. While the background graphics are admittedly detailed (for a NES game), it’s completely outweighed by the dull sprites, repetitive soundtrack and overall blandness. There are recognisable tropes, there are boring clichés and then there‘s “Castle of Dragon” territory, where original ideas go to die. The absolute worst part? This review is three times as big as the Wikipedia article. Seriously -> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Castle_of_Dragon . Allow that to sink in.